Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
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if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me, reading some of your tweets
Uh oh…
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.