If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
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I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.