Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.