Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.