If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
The pen is writier than the sword.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”