INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
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me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
See..?
.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I’ve been drinking.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
love it when they get my name right