I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
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I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi鈥擨 mean鈥rucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she鈥檚 turning left
mortgage broker: You鈥檒l need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn鈥檛 get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I鈥檇 pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
welp
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 馃檮
director: ok. it鈥檚 ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Lied on my r茅sum茅 and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it鈥檚 meant to be
me: I think you鈥檙e cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first