One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.