Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You Might Also Like
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge