9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*