If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
your elf on the shelf was delicious
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.