1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
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[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?