I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
You Might Also Like
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My background check bounced.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves