That’s it.I’m out.
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There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.