Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside