In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Cats (2019)
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Its a hippotatomus
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
🙅🏻