Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
This has made my week.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please