Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense