Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
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replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?