I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.