“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
You Might Also Like
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants