It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Happens to everyone.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.