Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
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Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Grandmother clock.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket