everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
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I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
wow
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.