It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
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I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers