Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that