MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
When the stylist spins you back around
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living