Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
no regrets
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
#JohnTravolta
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Finally, an explanation.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.