“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
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When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
he looks great for his age
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.