[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
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i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.