Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I would like even faster food.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Mornin
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.