[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly