I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
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We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”