ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Twitter fine art
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
he’s sick of your bullshit today
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool