Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.