Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
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*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.