To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure