His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.