Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Bloody internet 😳
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”