ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
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Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.