*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
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Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
This hospital has everything
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over