put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
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I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.