Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
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Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
are they though??
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler