me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.