“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I wish this was real life…
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*