7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
step 6: release the wall snake
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.