When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.