Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
You Might Also Like
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
this will hang in the louvre one day
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.