[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.