{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
You Might Also Like
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.